Author: Mike
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Loblaws reportedly mulling new ways to make shopping even more dystopian
In recent months, Loblaws has trialed a number of new ways of making shopping less pleasant for everyone. Initiatives have ranged from installing 7 foot high bullet-proof dividers to arming dangerous murderbot sentries that shoot suspected shoplifters on sight. “Based on our internal research, the data suggests we can still go a long way towards…
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Majority of Canadians Plan on Voting Against Their Interests, Again
Ottawa, Ontario: In breaking news that comes as a surprise to no one, the majority of Canadians, when polled, said they plan on voting against their own interests in the next federal election, exactly as they did in the past one. The data comes from the latest 338Canada poll, where Canadians were asked to…
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Poilievre: “Trudeau’s been crushing the middle class for years. Now it’s my turn.”
Ottawa, Ontario: While taking another extended break from his duties in the House of Commons, Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre held an impromptu press conference near Capital Hill this morning. “It’s an indisputable fact that Justin Trudeau has been crushing the middle class for years,” said Poilievre to a crowd largely compsoed of curious office workers…
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Revealed: Study Shows Landlords Share 98% of DNA with Large Carrion-Eating Birds
A recent study undertaken by researchers at the University of Alberta caused ripples earlier last week, after it was revealed that the common Canadian Landlord shared more than 98% of its DNA with…
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Loblaws to test new line of Killbot sentries for customer safety
(Hamilton, Ontario): It’s no secret that Canada’s largest grocery chains are facing unprecedented levels of theft, vandalism, and other perils at stores across the nation. After recently trialing various solutions ranging from bulletproof consumer safety barriers to retired police officers validating receipts at the exits, Loblaws Companies Limited, Canada’s largest food retailer and pharmacy chain…
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Food Professor: “People are so entitled when it comes to not starving”
(Victoria, BC): From coast to coast, Canadians have been voicing their concerns that the nation’s largest grocers have been engaged in price gouging…
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Jagmeet Singh Keeps Scoring Wins for Canadians; Canadians Livid
(Ottawa, Ontario): Continuing their longstanding winning streak of delivering the goods to Canadians from coast to coast, the federal NDP controversially scored another win…
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Ontario Premier Doug Ford Will Complete His Grade 12; Expects Hijinks to Follow
(Toronto, Ontario): Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced today that he plans on returning to a local high school…
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Local Man Chops Onion, Has Surprisingly Emotional Experience
(Sherbrooke, Quebec): Local resident Bill Billson received more than he bargained for recently, after what should have been a mundane moment in the kitchen transformed into a surprisingly emotional…
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Canadian Landlord Association Blames Rent Hikes on Carbon Tax
(Toronto, Ontario): Rent costs for in-demand housing options across the country, ranging from undersized one-bedroom apartments to crowded, rat-infested hellholes…