(Hamilton, Ontario): It’s no secret that Canada’s largest grocery chains are facing unprecedented levels of theft, vandalism, and other perils at stores across the nation.
After recently trialing various solutions ranging from bulletproof consumer safety barriers to retired police officers validating receipts at the exits, Loblaws Companies Limited, Canada’s largest food retailer and pharmacy chain owner, announced today that it would begin testing a promising new safety feature at select stores in Ontario: robotic death sentries.
“We call them Killbots,” said Roger Totson, regional manager of growth and development at a Loblaws store in Hamilton earlier this morning. “It’s the natural next step in consumer protection and safety, so don’t let the name frighten you. These are fundamentally tried and tested safety devices and not all that aggressive most of the time. Where they excel is in being able to prevent in-store crime before it happens, whether that be shoplifting, vandalism, or egotistical vloggers trying to make us look bad. Oh, and I suppose, they’re also pretty good at killing stuff too.”
The Killbots, designed by Cypher Industries, based out of Edmonton, Alberta, are easily recognizable thanks to their imposing size, tank like treads, and drum fed automatic weapons. They are also part of growing domestic industry working to develop stronger, more modern consumer safety systems in Canada in light of changing consuming buying habits.
“The Killbots are just drops in the ocean of what we’re hoping to achieve here. We’re already seeing demand for similar solutions in other areas,” said Dean Tomwell, product manager at Cypher. “Just last week, a landlord association asked us to look into developing a similar product to ensure that tenants pay their rent on time. While we’re not known for specializing in accounting solutions at the moment, I wholeheartedly believe we’ll be seeing our Killbots branch out and diversify in society before the year is up.”
Provided the initial Killbot rollout results in an acceptably minimal amount of human casualties, Totson said that Loblaws plans to roll out the Killbots nation-wide by the end of Q3 2024.
“Best case scenario, every store will have its own fleet of Killbots to safeguard consumers, police behaviour, and help ensure our bottom line remains deep into the black,” said Totson.
When asked whether Totson feared there could be a negative consumer reaction to the Killpoints, he was dismissive of the concern.
“Most consumer will have nothing to fear, because most consumers simply purchase groceries and leave. However, if people don’t wanna be followed by angry, and potentially murderous killbots every time they go out to make essential purchases, well they can shop somewhere else,” Totson said. “Of course, we own almost the stores in this damn country, we just operate them under different brand names, so it’s probably better if they just accept that this is the new normal.
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