Author: Mike
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PP on Foreign Political Interference: “Let’s Find Them so I Can Thank Them”
(Calgary, Alberta): Federal Conservative and Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre recently took to the podium at the Calgary Stampede to address the news that’s been circulating about possible Chinese and Indian government interference in Canadian politics. “This is big news, really, the top story of our times,” said Poilievre while sporting a ten-gallon and pair of…
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Toronto Realtors Furious $500K Literal Coffins Not Selling
(Toronto): It’s no secret that Toronto’s red hot real estate market isn’t what it once was, with hundreds of properties sitting empty and unsold. Nowhere is this downturn felt more acutely in the city’s coffin living space market. “We call them coffins but they literally are,” said Martha Claringdon, a Remax real estate agent who…
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Loblaws reportedly mulling new ways to make shopping even more dystopian
In recent months, Loblaws has trialed a number of new ways of making shopping less pleasant for everyone. Initiatives have ranged from installing 7 foot high bullet-proof dividers to arming dangerous murderbot sentries that shoot suspected shoplifters on sight. “Based on our internal research, the data suggests we can still go a long way towards…
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Majority of Canadians Plan on Voting Against Their Interests, Again
Ottawa, Ontario: In breaking news that comes as a surprise to no one, the majority of Canadians, when polled, said they plan on voting against their own interests in the next federal election, exactly as they did in the past one. The data comes from the latest 338Canada poll, where Canadians were asked to…
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Poilievre: “Trudeau’s been crushing the middle class for years. Now it’s my turn.”
Ottawa, Ontario: While taking another extended break from his duties in the House of Commons, Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre held an impromptu press conference near Capital Hill this morning. “It’s an indisputable fact that Justin Trudeau has been crushing the middle class for years,” said Poilievre to a crowd largely compsoed of curious office workers…
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Revealed: Study Shows Landlords Share 98% of DNA with Large Carrion-Eating Birds
A recent study undertaken by researchers at the University of Alberta caused ripples earlier last week, after it was revealed that the common Canadian Landlord shared more than 98% of its DNA with…
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Loblaws to test new line of Killbot sentries for customer safety
(Hamilton, Ontario): It’s no secret that Canada’s largest grocery chains are facing unprecedented levels of theft, vandalism, and other perils at stores across the nation. After recently trialing various solutions ranging from bulletproof consumer safety barriers to retired police officers validating receipts at the exits, Loblaws Companies Limited, Canada’s largest food retailer and pharmacy chain…
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Food Professor: “People are so entitled when it comes to not starving”
(Victoria, BC): From coast to coast, Canadians have been voicing their concerns that the nation’s largest grocers have been engaged in price gouging…
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Jagmeet Singh Keeps Scoring Wins for Canadians; Canadians Livid
(Ottawa, Ontario): Continuing their longstanding winning streak of delivering the goods to Canadians from coast to coast, the federal NDP controversially scored another win…
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Ontario Premier Doug Ford Will Complete His Grade 12; Expects Hijinks to Follow
(Toronto, Ontario): Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced today that he plans on returning to a local high school…