Loblaws reportedly mulling new ways to make shopping even more dystopian

In recent months, Loblaws has trialed a number of new ways of making shopping less pleasant for everyone. Initiatives have ranged from installing 7 foot high bullet-proof dividers to arming dangerous murderbot sentries that shoot suspected shoplifters on sight.

“Based on our internal research, the data suggests we can still go a long way towards making shopping in our stores an even more hellish experience,” said Apple Building, the VP of Customer Satisfaction. “I mean obviously, we can keep raising prices and blaming stuff like inflation or immigration, but there are tons of other exciting ways to really put the squeeze on people.”

Documents shared with the Reddest Ensign highlighted several of the proposed initiatives that Loblaws executives are still mulling over. Among them, blasting Celine Dion’s hit song “My Heart Will Go On” on infinite repeat and at volumes above 80 decibels, to mandatory scrotum punches at every exit.

Details from our Alberta correspondents report that certain Loblaws-owned stores have begun testing previously undisclosed and highly dystopian measures there too, including having staff periodically release groups of wild dogs into the frozen food section and only selling milk past its expiration date.

“The important thing is that we don’t want to close any doors,” said Building. “More likely that not, we’ll trial some of these initiatives at stores across the country and really just see what sticks. More likely than not, we’ll roll out a couple at once. After all, our client satisfaction is still in double digits, so we have a long way to go before rock bottom.”